It has been a long journey to self-forgiveness – leading to acceptance, then self-love. I have attended classes, read books, meditated, then finally embraced that me, that hero who endured, who fell down many times while learning to walk, to be authentic, to love, to forgive. There has been a lot of progress and I have come to be much more at home in my own skin.
But, still now, the enduring wisps of untrue self-belief sometimes flow by awaiting my observance, my agreement, or so it seems. But now, when aware of grace, I do observe them, name them as they are without blame. These wisps seem like flowing nothingness – but a nothing that craves something. I feel it’s love they crave. I think it is healing they want. In any case, I have given them a mission – to remind me to look again at their origin.
When in my life did I first experience what they are saying now? Usually I can know what age I was, or maybe a circumstance. Diving down more deeply, I can see a me and maybe someone else both caught in a drama of wills, of judgements of actions, made by untrue selves. I see it now as a temporary, momentary me, or another still enduring in my memory, still forming my belief. How can such subtle wisps of untrue belief be so skilled at evading my observance? How can subtlety be so effective?
So I try to find that inner source of this un-ture self-belief. At what age did this begin? What happened? Sometimes I see vague pictures of mostly forgotten drama, something Mama said, something someone did, or, I find nothing. Perhaps I was too young to remember. But anyway, those wisps were born somewhere – sometime.
Then, the second mission of the wisps come into play. Their mission is to remind me to find that me at age 4, age 11, age 40 or at any age, bring her into focus, feel her feelings, feel her shame, her disappointment and simply ask: Is the self- belief actually true? Knowing for sure, what we all actually are, I have to conclude it cannot be true. I take her into my arms and lovingly forgive her for forgetting, urging her to feel those suppressed emotions. I hug her. I cry with her.
Together we forgive the other who tempted me to believe what is untrue of me or any other someone. For the other person too is unaware and also harbors subtle wisps urging actions and words in hopes of dispelling pain. Together we affirm the truth of everyone even ourselves – the truth that we are all divine expressions of beingness, sourced by Love, eternal emanations of Light.
By giving the wisps their missions now for years, light has come to shine on the belief-visions of an untrue me at many times of my life. Sometimes even now when I doubt myself, I believe the wisps and see myself flawed with actions and words regretted. Now, when in grace, I can honor and appreciate the lessons, the learning, the wisdom gained. I can even thank that me who lived on that day, honor her for the hero we all are in every moment.
My twin sister told me just before she died that she hoped she had time to go back and see many versions of herself clearly, see what she always thought was shameful, “just see impartially, see with acceptance. I’ve learned that if I can do that – she will haunt me no more.”
I was taught on the star ship that in every moment, each person is doing the best they can. Given the inner energies and stresses, given the unconscious conditioning, given the constant subtle wisps of untrue self-belief, given the state of consciousness, given all these factors coming together in one instant, nothing in that moment could have possibly happened but what did happen.
Perhaps this is the basis for the concept in A Course In Miracles, that there is nothing to forgive:
Remember that forgiveness is not loss, but your salvation. And that in complete forgiveness, in which you recognize that there is nothing to forgive, you are absolved completely. –ACIM, Chapter 15 VIII –
Have I gathered the inner courage always there to look at me at 4, at 11, at 40 and see her clearly, see the circumstance with detachment? Have I opened my heart to the love that is always there, see her with compassion, hold her in my arms? Have I tuned into the wisdom that is always there, to understand her, understand the situation, and realize it all was a journey in consciousness, a school, a learning, a necessary tool ushering in more expanded wisdom?
If I can open to my heart, my expanded consciousness, my clarity, my innate understanding, then sometimes magic happens and I see and even feel – there was nothing to forgive.
Then, some of the flying wisps dissolve.
And I see this was all along their only craving.
