In November 2019, I traveled to Texas to be with my sister, Mary, knowing she was possibly living her last days here. I spent 18 precious days with her leaving Texas the day before she passed from this life on December 12.
To say “I miss her” are just words that do not say it.
Two days before I left her, I needed to just sit down and write:
This morning my mind says my beloved sister and hero is dying. But then I know there is no death, no separation. Her great spirit will live on and grace wherever she goes. These days of sad caregiving, joyful reminiscing, and spiritual beauty have been filled with a chorus of emotions – sweet evidence of our capacity to feel. Truly our experiences in consciousness are infinite and each moment a new life, a new adventure, something new to see and feel and know.
These days are precious gifts. As I sit by her not knowing what the next minute will bring, I can only be in this moment and note her labored breathing and hold her hand as she sleeps. Then, I watch her sudden aliveness and cheer as she awakes, ready to have a new adventure: to eat, to research, to exercise her active mind and talk. She sometimes seems so alive and happy, looking for movies to watch together, or talking of redecorating her room and making arrangements of all kinds. And even when she is not so well, her tired eyes will suddenly shine in utter joy when someone she loves is near.
That was then and the many days before. Now she is gone. Now I can’t see those big brown eyes or hear her strong alto voice singing the thoughts of a philosophy-prone mind. After almost a year, I still long for that subtle sense – the soft melody of unconditional love.
But other times I remember the fun, the interesting and great conversations for so many years sprinkled with simple and profound insights. Her courage in the face of so much was inspiring. Her humor and remarkable lack of taking anything at all personally, was something I’ve never seen in anyone else.
What would she think of these times we are in now – times which began so soon after she left? She would definitely have her own sharp opinions, neither flinching from fact nor lessening her unique way of accepting things just as they are. Her unconditional lack of personal judgements while seeing everyone and everything clearly was the hallmark of her great spirit.
Does she hear in thought the words I want to say? I can only write an unwritten letter:
It has been months now. What is happening there, dear Mary – there where I can no longer hear your voice? What insightful adventures there are expanding even more your wisdom.? I can only imagine. I see you blissful, engaging and helpful. The “other side” is enhanced by your passionate presence, your joy, your light. I am in grateful envy.
I would say, “until we meet again” except I know we meet in every moment and always will. You are loved more each instant. So gifted am I with inspiration that gathers like whispers whenever I think of you. Thank you for coming here and being my sister for a while. Now you belong to everyone and everything and I know what that means for us all.
Mary’s great passion was human justice and in that, she was an unflinching warrior. Speaking of warriors, Mary reminds me of a poem, The Truly Great, by Stephen Spender. He wrote of brave soldiers who gave their lives. I see my Mary here in the ending lines:
The names of those who in their lives fought for life,
Who wore in their hearts the fire’s center.
Born of the sun, they travelled a short while toward the sun,
And left the vivid air signed with their honor.
When thinking of what she has left inscribed in our hearts, I wonder what tone I will contribute to the music in the vivid air? What you, my friends will leave? Will we leave inspiration? Joy? Love? And right now, what are we each contributing to that symphony we all breathe in.
Maybe only the vivid air knows, but I believe we know. We know!
Mary’s primary wisdom was so simple – “Be happy and just love – nothing that happens is personal.”
Mary, my role model.
Such a beautiful tribute to Mary. I feel blessed to have glimpsed her beauty in this way. Thank you!